Tenaj and I were planning to watch The Simpsons movie last Sunday afternoon. I’m a big fan of the cartoon family and I wanted to bring back weird humor, wit and dysfunctionality into my life. Ada, who believes that she is the only daughter of God and is very confident that she’ll go to heaven on Judgment Day, wanted to come along if we would watch Ouija instead. I was very distracted because my ATM card had been swallowed by the machine earlier that afternoon and I was not able to consider the consequences of her proposal. I was also in a very accommodating mood, so, I agreed to watch her movie.
As Ada led me inside the theater, I asked her if Ouija was a Japanese horror flick. "Oh, no" she replied enthusiastically. "It’s a Judy Ann Santos movie!" I scoffed at her and thought that it was just a joke. When I saw the opening scenes of the movie, my inner voices shrieked "Omigod! It IS a Juday movie!" Never choose anything over the thing you love.
"Is that Jolina Magdangal?" I asked Tenaj and Ada while a character was teaching a classroom-full of kids. Jolina, has matured as an actress. She no longer mugs the camera and acts like she’s a teenager. She has moved on to playing api(underdog/doormat/goody-two-shoes) roles.
"Ikaw ang pumunta sa bahay niya dahil gusto mo siya at hindi ka na-rape!(You were the one who went to his house because you liked him and you weren’t raped!)" Judy Ann Santos, portraying a domineering lawyer, glared at the witness she was cross-examining. "That’s witness harassment!" the three of us chorused. "Hindi ako na-rape!(I wasn’t raped!)" blubbered the witness. Tenaj and Ada noted that Juday wore a nice bracelet and a cute set of earrings. "Yun ang sinabi ng mga boses na dapat kong sabihin(That’s what the voices told me to say)." Clearly she had schizophrenia and the three of us agreed that she needed Zyprexa.
"I would stop taking that bitch seriously if you would" hissed Iza Calzado, playing a prima donna actress, to her co-star. She has the best lines in the movie and are worth to be used in everyday conversations like " I don’t take them seriously kahit na ang mga lalakeng yan ay nababalian na ng leeg sa kakalingon sa akin sa tuwing dumadaan ako(I don’t take them seriously even though these men break their necks from looking at me every time I pass by)", and "Aanhin pa ang kagandahan kung hindi nito kayang pahihintayin ang isang eroplano(What’s beauty for if it can’t make an airplane wait?)". Tenaj and Ada agreed that Iza is very pretty but fat. They also went excited over Iza’s blouses, skirts and pants throughout the movie.
The characters were now on a beach somewhere in Camiguin. They had just attended the funeral of their grandmother and were relieving stress by wearing clothes that billowed in the wind and made them look good in front of the camera. The Ouija board, the object referred to in the title, made its appearance on the arms of Iza Calzado as she said to her cousins "Let’s play!" They inadvertently summoned an evil spirit and horrible things started to happen. Also, as the movie progressed, they inexplicably referred to the board as Spirit of the Glass.
The characters were trundling their luggage unto a yacht when Ada exclaimed "Is that Luis Vitton?" and then admired a pair of sunglasses brandished by somebody on-screen. "Ruby Rodriguez is always doing the yaya(nanny) role in all her TV shows and movies" Tenaj observed. I pointed out that their skin looked lovely with the aid of good lighting equipment.
The horrors promised by the movie began to unfold on the screen and Tenaj and Ada screamed with the rest of the audience. After each screaming fit, Tenaj would declare "I’m so scared!" and then note what the characters were wearing and their accessories at their point of death.
In one of the final scenes wherein Juday was being chased by the spirit, Tenaj informed us that she saw Juday’s bead necklace in Mango. The camera zoomed onto Juday’s terrified face and Ada said she had large pores and the two of them then ooooohhhd over Juday’s red blazer and belt, as she ran along a dark corridor.
While Iza Calzado was being possessed by the malevolent spirit, I wondered whether I was being punished. My ATM card was stuck in a machine somewhere in the mall and I had to pay P100 to watch a movie version of a fashion catalogue that had a non-existent plot. "We should have watched The Simpsons" somebody behind me said. I wanted to weep in agreement.
